Geshtinnanna,
You say: “But yes, I want to think for myself.”
Let me ask: Then why is my “opinion” so important to you? Why do you care what I think about a subject that you claim not to believe or accept as factual? Call me a dimwit but I do not get it. It does not perturb me that you want to think for yourself and that you do not believe as I do; why is it that you seem perturbed by what I believe and do or do not think?
Next, what I have posted as answers to your questions regarding antichrist is exactly what I believe. If it sounds like it came straight out of the Bible, I am glad because I want my beliefs to conform to what God has put in the Bible. I am sorry that it does not satisfy you. Even though I feel you are looking for or wanting something more I really do not know what else to say. Maybe it is a Mars vs. Venus or a May vs. September thing. What ever you do, don’t you dare ask me if your dress makes you look fat; I will not have an opinion about that either.
Seriously though, I do hope you find whatever it is that you are looking for.
One thing that helped me overcome a gnawing doubt about myself was realizing that the love we are told to have for God is not a natural emotion. Therefore it is a feeling that must be developed, worked at, yes even forced, at first, and by some people more so than others. Or as the 12-steppers put it: “Fake it till you make it.” Unfortunately, many suffer under the mistaken idea that it will happen “naturally” and without any real effort on their part. Not so.
One reference work says: “Agape love is capable of being commanded because it is not primarily an emotion but a decision of the will leading to action.” Because we have an inherited tendency toward selfishness, we must work very hard to develop and then maintain that love. One scholar describes the effort this way: “It portrays the image of an athlete’s straining muscles as the last bit of strength is willed forth at the finish of a race.”
Perhaps knowing that love for God is not naturally occurring and therefore does not necessarily feel “natural” or “comfortable,” at first, and even requires great effort will help you too; I know it helped me.
.