Betty, God judges the heart. Samson committed suicide and is listed with the faithful in Hebrews 11!
The Judge of the whole earth really does do right and you can trust in that, even in your grief.
The incredibly deep longing to go back in time and somehow say or do something which would have prevented this is something that will haunt you for awhile. But not forever. God will help you understand, day by day, that each person is responsible for his or her own actions. You were the best mom you knew how to be. We can all look back and see areas where we could have been better. That is part of being a sinful human being.
But YOU DID NOT KILL YOUR SON! That is what you are feeling deep inside and it is not true! You loved him and you did what you knew to do for him.
It is OK to feel shocked and distraught and to mourn. If you did not feel this way it would show you never loved him! But you loved him so much! Of course you will feel this way.
But through it all, you can still trust God. You really can. Step by step He will guide you through this horror of a time.
There will always be a 'son-shaped' hole in your heart, but there WILL come a time when it will stop bleeding.
This first year will have moments of hell in it. But hell cannot conquer heaven, and gradually heaven will win.
Please, please don't be afraid to walk this walk. What you are feeling is right and proper. When you start to heal, please don't feel guilty about that, either! It will be good, and right, and proper in its time. You will laugh again. You will enjoy life again. And it is right and proper that you should.
This is your time walking through the valley of the shadow of death in a very real way.
Do not be afraid. The Lord is with you. His Word and His Holy Spirit will comfort you.
Hold on tight to Jesus. Hold on tight to your friends. If you need an extra friend, feel free to PM me.
God bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you. The Lord life up His countenance upon you and give you peace.