That makes sense and I definitely see what you are saying. I have just been really thinking lately and I don’t know….been having a rough time I guess.
(please excuse the outpour of emotions that will follow)
You posted a reply to one of my questions about a year ago which, after reading, made me seriously reconsider some doubts I had. Now I am not the type of person that speaks forthrightly about these issues but to get to the point, after thinking I was resolved of my problems (my doubts of who Jesus Christ is), I did not readily prepare myself for the troubles that would come my way for wanting to be a Christian and to give my life to Christ. This is not easy for me to say…and I do not really know why I am sharing it now except for the fact that its eating me up inside.
The one thing that I can find comfort in which is promised through the Bible, I want to say OK, yet every time I try, I open my mouth and nothing comes out. What is it that holds me back? What is it that says you are not worth this? What is it that says in my mind, how do you know for sure? I see others, wholly embraced in their faith, in their love of Christ, and I am so jealous. I am jealous that they can love, and believe with all of their heart, and here I am, this worthless nothing, questioning every aspect of the Christian faith to satisfy my own .... what?
I do not even know.
Sometimes I throw it out of my mind, but it [the questions] consumes me. I am ashamed of myself, ashamed of my feelings. Funny thing is, (which may seem impossible to you, I am not sure) is that I do really love Jesus, the other day as I am reading this terrific book about him, I just felt this warmness in my heart which made me smile. But simultaneously, I felt guilty. Of course, this doesn’t show my true love for him, but you could ask my husband who (after our many religious discussions), notes my emotional state for anyone saying anything bad about him.
Even if I had the chance to believe, like I have seen so many times at church, I cannot forgive myself for the things I have done so why should anyone else forgive me --no--this cannot be right. As I sit here now and type these words, I cry because I am alone, without my God, I cry because I am wrong, I am wrong and I know it and yet I continue to do wrong. I feel like the devil sits on my shoulder --such an annoyance to my everyday life--and I cannot get rid of him because I cannot accept anything.
I guess I am not really looking for help because I know that people can tell me the truth until I am blue in the face—but I am the one that has to believe. I guess my point here was just to get this off of my mind, in some way, and share it all with those who may have gone through a spiritual warfare.
It’s not easy.
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I wish I had the innocence of a child again, I wish I could form that lovely image of heaven in my mind without anyone or anything destroying it. I wish I could re-build that wall and stay inside of it forever.