We, as human beings, where tainted by Satan at the beginning of all things. Since then we have known evil. Every human being on the face of the earth has a darker side. No human being has not had a hateful thought or sinful ambition. Noone on this earth is completely pure. However i believe (in the case of some of us anyway) that we do -or at least try to - keep our darker mind concieled. It's as if we have a cell at the back of our brains and in this cell we lock up our evils. We secure them. However they are still there. A person can appear to be the most kind, charming character imaginable, yet somewhere in the complex maze of their mind there is a thick metal door, covered from top to bottom with steel bolts. It is the cell in which the darkest side of their mind is kept.
To cut the the point: I have been wondering if this, in itself, is a sin. Is the ponderance, or concideration of a sin a sin in itself even if you do resist it and prevent it? My father murdered my younger brother and took out my left eye with a butter knife when I was eight and my brother was five. He ran off never to be seen again. He is probably dead by now. However since that day a burning hatred and fury has been searing at the back of my brain. It still does. There is no way of getting rid of it. I can hide it certainly: cover it up. Yet it is still there. The fact that i have 2d vision doesn't help me forgett it either. My sister i'm sure feels the same. Though she won't say it. She was fortunate nothing happened to her at all
At the moment i can restrain it. However i couldn't always. When my mother married my step-father (I was twelve) we became more fortunate. He had money. However my step-father and I never got on. Those of you who have step-fathers might understand that it never helps your mood when they think they can tell you what to do. My sister blatantly felt the same. When i was fifteen He was telling her off for some reason while watching TV (I can't remember it was so long ago). She refused and basically tost him to go away (in less than civil phrasing if you understand me). He got angry and slapped her. She did what she was told after that. Minutes later i came back into the living room with a rounded malet that my mother used for her wood working. He was a weak man (thankfully). I remember hitting him in the back of the spine where the neck connects to the shoulders. He didn't expect it. I did it from behind while he was still watching TV. I hit him again and again all over the back. He was curled up on the floor screaming, his hands on his head. I had to see a therapist for five or six years after that. I had broken 4 of my step fathers ribs. My therapist, a brilliant woman, was the one who introduced my to Jesus. Since then I have been able to conciel my anger. To build good over it. Now i am a teacher at a very good private school in south England. I've developed a bit of a novelty amoung the students with my one eye. They all want to see what it looks like under the patch.
So does God punish hateful and sinful thoughts? Or does he only punish those who carry out their darker ambitions?