My latest update:
Well, she goes out nearly every night to her married friend's house but claims they just watch TV or rent movies and she loves spending time with this friend but nothing sexual is going on. She says they sit close, etc......but it's more of an emotional thing. I know, I know........don't be an idiot........but I have to give her credit.......she confessed immediately when she had an affair years ago and she tells me everything even now.........sometimes, I think it's a cry for help disguised as trying to be open and honest about her relationships. Almost like she wants me to instill some barriers or be her decision maker about all this.....which I hate. Anyway, she's tired all the time from staying out late..........but what really ticked me off was that she went out of town with the kids with a different friend to visit that friend's family in northern Ohio. Well, actually that didn't tick me off.....I was okay with that.......but I purposely didn't call to check on them that night to see if she would call me.......and she didn't. But when she got back the next day she had the gall to say she was upset that I didn't even call and check on them........I told her I thought they'd call me and I purposely didn't call her to see how much I mattered to her.........and she said (OUCH) that I should have called for the kids not for her.
Anyway, they got home around 6 pm and 2 hours later after we got the girls to bed, she was heading off to her late night friend's house to see her. She told me she'd only be gone for a little while because she was tired but she didn't get home until late after midnight. Her leaving to go see her friend almost immediately after coming home really made me upset............so upset that I left her a phone message the next morning that was the worst, nastiest things I've ever said to her.........basically saying that she calls me during the late part of my workday to see if I'm working late to determine if she can have her late night friend stop by our house right after school or not.....because she doesn't want me around. I also said she could give a crap about destroying other people's marriages and their families........that she was irresponsible and didn't take responsiblity for her actions (same thing)...........and many things I won't repeat on this board that were a whole lot worse.
Well, she called and left me a voice message saying it's obvious that I think she's a piece of (bad 4 letter word) and she didn't know what else to say. She said that she's not responsible for her friend's bad marriage and that it was bad before she came along (of course she's not helping the situation - she should be encouraging her friend to work on her marriage and her friend should be encouraging my wife to work on our marriage).......that she isn't a homewrecker and that she's not responsible for the way people respond to her (wrong! ...she needs to keep people in check if they respond in an inappropriate way). She has re-emphasized over and over that she loves spending time with "M" (her late night friend)......that they laugh and have a special bond.......an emotional connection.......which I've come to understand stems from both of them being sexually abused as children....."M" was abused by her father and is on her second marriage to a guy 6 years younger than her (probably a control thing). I'm 2 years younger than my wife and I'm a nice guy (another control thing I'm sure).
Anyway, she said tons more......all of it basically defending her new turf (Homosexuality).
I couldn't take anymore and called Prodigal Ministries this week..........and I'm really glad. I left them a message and an Ex-Gay Male called me back. I told him my situation and he was very supportive but blunt.........in fact (and I am not a whiner like someone on this board accused me of being)......he said too many times the spouse of the homosexual is TOO NICE and allows the homosexual to ride the fence and that they WILL RIDE THE FENCE as long as they can without having to make any decisions. He really focused on me and the key thing he asked me was "HOW MUCH CAN YOU ENDURE?". Wow. I was speechless when he said that. He repeated it......."again, I ask you.....how much can you endure?". I have thought about that ever since. He said, sure you're afraid to lose your marriage and your family as you know it.........you love this person, care about them, and hate to see them not only destroy themselves (and he added THEY WILL) but also destroy everyone else connected to them. He said, let me guess........she's very hardcore right now and defending her turf? I said he hit the nail right on the head......this guy was good.....seriously, he knew every angle going on here.....surely having come out of homosexuality gave him huge insight (stating the obvious). I told him she was sexually abused at 10 years old repeatedly......he said that 85% of lesbians have been sexually abused......IT IS FACT. He added that the other 15% have been emotionally and mentally abused. He said she has deep seeded pain and issues that she needs to deal with. He also told me not to pamper her and let her ride the fence. Force her to make some decisions. So I played a game with her the other night.....and some of you won't like this.....but I did it anyway. We were having a calm and productive conversation and she re-emphasized that she has no desire for me (ouch). We even hugged for a short while and then she broke from it (obvious to me) and we stood apart in the kitchen (it was a form of rejection like I repulsed her- ouch). We talked. But after listening to her defend her turf and politely blast me for my nasty message which I apologized for my tone in that message saying it all came from pain caused by this situation and my love for her being saddened by this path she has chosen. She kind of accepted my apology understanding that I was in pain. I just hope it wasn't taken the wrong way meaning I've constantly re-emphasized that I love her but don't like what she is doing. The game I played was that after she totally rejected me again..........I reminded her that she told me to go have an affair. I told her that it wasn't in my make up to have an affair and that I needed her to give me her permission as in saying our marriage was over (I'm not really serious about doing this). She took notice fast. I kept asking her if I could have her permission to use some personals to meet other women and she couldn't give me permission. We ended the discussion without her answering me. The next day she called me and was real nice. That evening..........she said that she couldn't answer my question because she felt strange about me dating other women. She laughed and said, "only if I can pick them out". I said, "wow, that's really fair". She still hasn't given me permission.......not that I would......I was just testing her reaction. Seems she has a problem letting go of me........is this a first sign of hope? I'm not sure. But I remember the Prodigal guy saying she'd ride the fence.....which is saying she wants both worlds........both her marriage and her affair. By pushing her buttons on me possibly leaving I hope it makes her really think about what she wants.
Last night, she said she needed a break and was going to a movie. She said "M" was out with some girlfriends. I will preface the next part with my wife has always been adamantly (spelling?) opposed to drinking and smoking.....absolutely despises both. So she calls me later and says "M" called her and wants her to come over to some Bar to hang out with she and her friends. My wife calls me and tells me the truth that she's going over there and she'll be out late. I just go along with it because I'm tired of arguing it.....just hoping this wears her down. But it amazes me........I talked to her today. She said she went over to the Bar and "M" and like 5 of her friends all were sitting there with 22 bottles of beer on the table (most empty) and "M" had drank like 8 to 12 already.....what an alchy....lol. My wife sits there and laughs it up with these people while ordering an amaretta sour. She said she only drank a few sips because it was too strong......but she hangs out at this bar with all these people all night. I will say this right now.......what in the crap is happening here?????????? I was thinking today that I'm starting to not even like my wife anymore? She's turning into this person I don't know and don't recognize. She has always been somewhat strongwilled..........but the good qualities that attracted me to her were her "tooth and nail" attitude toward being a mother to our children.......in the past she has not tolerated any worldly crud being thrown at our children and has been a super mother instilling Godly principles in our children.......even disallowing them to go over other kids homes that maybe had Britney Spears posters up, etc......my wife could not stand that. Neither can she stand people that smoke cigarettes, etc. She can also not tolerate alcohol drinkers. She has often questioned people in her family's morals at times even confronting them. I have admired her up 'til now...........but suddenly she is tolerating everything she has always despised. "M" even asked her if she'd hang out at the local "Joe's Bar" locally and my wife said "yes"???????????????????????????????? She is doing this just to be with "M"....I know. It's really sick to watch....believe me. I was cutting the grass after she told me all of this and I kept thinking......maybe I will go have an affair because I surely don't know this person anymore that I live with................and I am totally losing it. This really befuddles me..................HOW MUCH CAN I ENDURE? God please give me strength.
She is trying really hard to be nice to me right now.......it's so obvious. I think the idea of me being with someone else bothers her. She asked me.......do you want to do this for sex or just friendship. I said that I have no one to talk to and confide in and that I'm emotionally and physically starved......but that I just wanted a female friend nothing more. I kinda left it vague on purpose. What will really devestate me is when she tells me to go ahead........THEN WHAT DO I DO??????
Seriously. I'm so far along in believing it's over...........but then I still have this small ray of hope...........because I believe God can fix anything. I do not believe homosexuality is genetic........I believe people are molded by their life experiences........and she has been abandoned over and over and abused over and over. She trusts no one....espeically men. She is looking for a maternal figure because her mom died when she was 4. Her sister who raised her controlled her first husband and had an affair on him before she divorced him. That is my wife's example of marriage.......and she was close to her sister's husband who was her father figure but then had to move out when the divorce happened. Everyone she's ever loved has left her and she told me that one time.
I told her I called Prodigal Ministries for me, not her. That I needed to talk to someone because I won't talk to my family or friends out of respect for our privacy. I wasn't going to talk about what Prodigal told me.......but she prodded me for information that the Prodigal guy said to me.......which was interesting that she wanted to know......so I told her what he said.
I don't know if progress is being made........but this is a nice release to get all of this out. I just hope I can continue to endure. And I'm not a whiner.........or a weakling. You don't know what it's like to love somebody so much and have them totally reject you, like I have been.......it rips your heart out. And you do this alone because no one else knows. My father is in the process of turning his business over to me, which should be a happy time for me..........but he keeps asking me, "you just don't seem that excited or happy about getting this opportunity?" How do I respond to that when he knows nothing of my personal situation????? These are the times that are hardest..........trying to go about my daily life carrying this burden and fear for my marriage. Fear that someone I love is going to destroy her life.......which will affect many other lives. I am not weak.........I am patiently strong..........but I crack every so often.
I am glad I called Prodigal Ministries. His listening was just what I needed. His advice was hard to take, but yet it felt supportive. He cared about me and said she was selfish.......and this was coming from a former homosexual.
Thanks for all your help and support. I will post updates periodically. Keep praying for us.