I have been a victim of child abuse. I have trouble forgiving all involved. I have been taken advantage by men most of my young life. But in some areas i feel guilty. Mainly cause I didn't speak up and others got hurt.
My first recall of being abused and early sex was between 3-4 years old. I was at my grandmother's house and my older cousin Ronnie took me to the creek and had me perform orally for him. I later recall and not sure how this got started doing orally acts on my female and male cousins that were two and three years younger then me and vice versa. Now I was only like 5- 6 when this got started. I was older but I didn't know better didn't know this was as wrong as it was. My parents and siblings knew but no one stopped us. They did not particiapte just did not stop us. Later in my adolescent years I was offered as much money alcohol as I wanted if I would do this and have sex with my parents friend. we made the excuse that I went to his house to clean every weekend. after two years of this I started going to church. I was under conviction and never went back. I also never told anyone what he did.
a year later he did the same thing to my other cousins that were 9 and 10. They did tell. He was arrested and died in prison. I was questioned about this and I admitted to it. I and my testimony is what helped put him away.
I told my pastor about this. Mainly because my parents (nonChristian drunkards), did not want me to testify. I wanted to do the right thing and my pastor told me I should go with what the Holy Spirit told me.
Well a few years later this same pastor started messing with me and trying to seduce me. I don't want to go into details but it was not good.
I try to tell people in the ministry but they did not believe me. So I quit going to church. Now I found out this same pastor did things to other girls in my youth group. I feel really guilty and wander if it was my fault this man was not stopped in time. I didn't say anything the first time and tried a little the second time. I have so much guilt because of my actions as a child. I feel bad for abusing my cousins when I was 5-6, I feel bad I didn't say anything to keep my other two cousins for getting hurt and Now I feel bad cause my teenaged friends got hurt all because I didnt say anything.
I have asked Jesus to forgive me but I still have trouble forgiving myself.
Any suggestions?